god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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