i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
