I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
