did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
