she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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