I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Randomize
