i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
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