It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
