The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.