and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.