I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
