Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
