I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I could make wine with my vomit
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
