I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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