I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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