Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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