I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
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