When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
