I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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