obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
