sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
