Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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