She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
