I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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