What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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