haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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