I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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