and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
