why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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