I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
