They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
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He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
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New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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