glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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