y did u give ur computer a hand job?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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