Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize