I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
