dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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