I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
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Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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