I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
