Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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