I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm too high and old for this...
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
