No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Randomize
