Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
