No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
