We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
