Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
