I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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