mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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