we're chasing vodka with high fives
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Mom said you looked used
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
