I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
