I wish my penis had an off switch
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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