The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
When are your genitals available?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
