i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Hippo gnu deer
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
