My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just had sex on a roof
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