I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
