ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
