I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
My vagina is very pro this idea
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