I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
