I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
